Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
